BFP Volume 9

Home

Search

Headline News

BFP Music

Music Calendar

Features

Editorial

Mysteries Report

Newsreels

Archives

Contact

Podcast

Comics

Links

National News

World News

Science News

The Mystery of
the Marinaras

Murder Most Foul

The Case of the
Missing Bohemian

Haunted Castle

Ancient Map

Nerd's Fantasy



Well, here we are at the last day on earth. It's been a good run, but I think we've overstayed our welcome in this existence, and most of are are a bit tired.

To commemorate our demise we thought we would give you the run-down off all the times the wold was supposed to end this year.



January 31
– The first alleged calamity was going to fall upon us when an asteroid named Eros was supposed to come "near" Earth and crash into us, according to the apoc-alarmists. As those that actually new what they were talking about expected, Eros passed us by at a comfortable distance of more than 16 million miles away at its closest. Though it would have certainly been some sort of after-life vindication for the prudes of the religious right if mankind was destroyed by something named after the Greek god of love (since we all know what love in that context means).

February 16
– Nostradamus predicted the "antichrist" would come after a 27-year war. Some say that war began on February 16, 1985 when Sheik Ibrahim al-Amin issued the Hezbollah Manifesto, thus forming one of the prominent Islamic militant groups that currently plague the Middle East. Hezbollah does have seats in the government of Lebanon, and it receives military support from the governments of Iran and Syria. So, yeah, that is kind of scary. But there is no evidence that they are capable of anything as catastrophic as an apocalypse.

March 12
– According to the U.S. Census Bureau The Earth's population exceeded 7 million people. That's a lot of mouths to feed and a lot of diapers to change.

April 17
– On this date, the United States ceded wartime control of the South Korean military, which will be just the encouragement Kim Jong Un needs to start World War III. However, it's not as bad as it sounds. U.S. soldiers won't be packing up and going home, leaving the South Koreans to their own devices. Instead, there will be two distinct military commands (the United States and South Korea) operating there instead of one Combined Forces Command.

April 22
– France elected a new president, and some people were afraid that—brace yourself—a Muslim might win. Never mind the fact that there wasn't one running. And even if there were, they wouldn't likely win. And even if they did, it's still a huge leap of prejudice to think that would lead to an apocalyptic catastrophe.

June 6
– Six is the number of the Devil. Duh.
November 6 – U.S. Presidential and Congressional elections. Like Hezbollah, this is legitimately scary. But is Obama the antichrist? If so, he's not a very effective one. We aren't losing any sleep over that one either way.

November 13
– Total eclipse of the sun (and the heart). Obama is not the antichrist. It's Bonnie Tyler. Actually, no. The antichrist is Jim Steinman, who wrote that song along with all of Meatloaf's hits. At the end of time, we'll all be singing "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)."

December 21 – Well of course, we have to mention the coming end of the Mayan calendar, since those pesky Mayans started this whole end-of-the-word hysteria. Almost everyone is probably aware by now that this prediction is a completely bogus bastardization of their teachings and culture. The real story is that the Mayans would do what any of us do when our calendars run out—start a new calendar. Just because theirs is longer doesn't mean that it's somehow tied into the very fabric of time itself.

Despite the unlikely nature of these kinds of predictions, we at the Birmingham Free Press still recommend taking the precaution of stocking your personal liquor shelves and hoarding guns. But then again, that's our general opinion even when the end is not nigh.

December 21, 2012

Find the BFP at these and other
convenient locations around the city
(or download {.pdf 2.9MB}HERE)

Downtown Library Box
Faith Skate Supply
Jim Reed
Magic City Grille
2nd Ave N. 23-24th ST Box
Matthew's
Metro Bar
Urban Standard
Charlemagne
Cloud 9
Cosmo's
Five Points Box
Golden Temple
Marty's
Renaissance
Starbucks 5 Points
Books, Beans, and Candles
Mellow Mushroom
Roly Poly
Zydeco
Garage
Highland Package
Rojo
Rojo Box
Taj India
The Nick
Western Southside
Hart & Soul
Sam's Deli
Homewood Library
Homewood Music
Little Professor
Fish Market 280
Avondale Brewery
Parkside Café
Bottletree
Crestwood Coffee
Crestwood Tavern
Al's on Seventh
Daniel Day Gallery
Innisfree
Kelly's
Nana Funks
On Tap
Slice
Tin Roof
Cantina
Red Cat
Club South
Fat Sam's
Gable Square
Giusseppi's
City Supermarket
Dreamland
Fish Market
Newk's
Sitar
Southside Market
Stillwater Pub
Wilson's
19th St 8th Ave Box

 
 

Birmingham Free Press Office

© 2012 The Birmingham Free Press