Fever Vaccinate It!
Man, am I pumped. I cannot wait for this years Summer Olympics.
The return to Athens, Greece where it all started, the first SUMMER
Game since 9/11, and another chance for the United States to show
the world how superior we are.
All of the big-name athletes will be there. Theres the that
female tennis star thats so good I forget her name. Then,
of course, that guy that runs real fast will be there for the track
and field stuff I forget his name, too.
Oh, and we mustnt forget about Ol Whats-His-Name
that does the swimming, and that cute little girl who plays point
guard for the Womens Basketball team. Both of them are worth
the price of TIVO to make sure you dont miss a minute of their
Of course, all of these athletes are overshadowed by the cloud created
by the athletes who wont be in there. Between the dopers and
scaredy-cats, its amazing that the USOC hasnt called me
to come tryout for some of the events.
The BALCO trial (if you dont know what the BALCO trial is, visit
ESPN.com and search under keyword Barry Bonds) has put
suspicion on several athletes while causing some athletes to confess
to using steroids without even knowing whether or not they were named
in the Grand Jury proceedings.
As if losing our best athletes to steroids charges wasnt enough,
then we have the wimp-list of athletes who are too afraid to go to
Greece for fear of terrorism. We have soldiers in Iraq who put themselves
directly in harms way for a pay that is less than what some
school teachers make, and NBA players who make millions cant
risk playing a few basketball games in a secure facility.
You would think that a Dream Team would consist of at
least a few players from the NBA Finals, but Kobe Bryant will be starting
his rape trial in August and Shaq is staying behind to officially
change his self-given nickname from The Big Aristotle,
to The Big Sissy.
Only one of the players from this years NBA finals is playing
in Athens, and 25% of the squad will be from the Phoenix Suns, one
of the worst teams in the NBA. This team should probably be called
the Wet-Dream Team. The build-up will be exciting, and
well all try to convince ourselves that they are for real, but
in the end it will just be an embarrassing mess.
Even without the big names, I hope these games will be just as much
the world-wide warm-fuzzy love-fest that the 2002 Winter Games were.
Remember the 2002 Games in Salt Lake City? Just five months after
the towers fell, the whole world showed their support for a wounded
I cant wait to see if the team from France will be waiving American
flags during the opening ceremonies again. Plus we have a brand-new
entry this year Free Iraq. The new Iraq loves us
so much that theyll probably just fly our flag instead of that
new Jewish-colored flag we gave them in the spring.
Speaking of New Iraq, I cant wait to see them compete in some
of the new non-medal events that they convinced the IOC to include
this year. The Naked Sack-over-the-head Race should be
exciting. Thats the one where the participants run naked through
a prison-like maze with black sacks over their heads. The winner is
the team that can amass all of its runners in a body pile at the finish
I guess my other big anticipation is to see whether George W. Bush
makes an appearance in Athens. In 2002 he was in the crowd of American
athletes, signing autographs and talking on the cell phone to one
athletes family. I wonder how many of this years athletes
will want to be standing next to Bush this time.
I cant imagine if the big name athletes are chickening out over
security concerns that any of the athletes who actually show up would
be eager to place themselves within blast range of the most-hated
man in the Middle East.
Then again, Old Whats-His-Name and That guy
that runs real fast just may have the guts (or the lack of brains)
to stand proud next to the Pretender-In-Chief. If so, then God bless
em, and God bless America and our crappy Olympic team.