Audrey

Audrey is an animal lover; she loves all kind of animals, big ones, little ones, mean ones and even imaginary ones. The only animals she can’t stand are human beings.

Audrey has had several run-ins with Anna Himalaya over the starlet’s tendency to wear fur and eat meat. Recently at the Chez Rongeur restaurant Audrey came over to Anna’s table and knocked her dinner right onto the floor. “Why are you picking on me?” Anna asked, “Everyone in here’s eating meat.”

“Not everyone in here is the spokesperson for Slaughtered Swine Meat Emporium,” answered the bitter vegetarian.

“Hey, a girl’s gotta make a living.”

“Well you don’t have to lead star-studded tours to Alaska to club baby seals.”

“But…”

“…or develop a line of hand bags made from panda brains.”

“I…”

“…or carpet your house with the feathers of spotted owls.”

“Look…”

“…or display a dissected manatee in an art exhibition.”

“See…”

“…or serve bald eagle fricassee to your party guests every Christmas.”

“Hey…”

“…or rent out the coliseum in Vatican City to feature fights to the death between mountain gorillas and Siberian tigers. And look what you’re wearing. What kind of fur is that?”

Um…Koala, but just little ones”

Audrey’s face got bright red. “Get out of here you murderer. Get out before I do something desperate, like kill you!”

Anna quickly fled Chez Rongeur, got into her SUV and revved the engine. As she backed out of her parking space the sounds of cracking bones and blood curdling howls filled the night. Anna had accidentally run over several of Audrey’s dogs that had been tied to a Birmingham Free Press newspaper box by the front door. “Sorry about your mutts, darling. Tottleoo!” She sped away waving out the window. The SUVs wheels screeched on the bloody pavement showering the restaurants large front window with hairy pieces of dog flesh.

Audrey calmly returned to her seat to finish her lentils.

“Well, you handled that better than expected. The dog killing thing I mean,” regarded the waiter as he brought Audrey her check.”

“I’m comforted by the fact that when I leave here I’m going to hunt down Anna Himalaya like the animal she is. Hunt her down and kill her.”